


fuck this, and fuck you

by lennobiwankenobi



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Break Up, Depressed Lance (Voltron), Langst, M/M, Maybe a happy ending, Panic Attacks, i changed my mind a bit, some sheith sex stuff, some smut but nothing good
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:34:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24362893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lennobiwankenobi/pseuds/lennobiwankenobi
Summary: Keith and Lance started dating three years ago. They happily dated across the country, and finally Lance was able to move in with Keith. They were happy. One year ago, Keith and Lance started dating Shiro, a Marine leader of some sort. Keith and Shiro are doing fine, but Lance doesn't know how he's supposed to fit in to this equation.trust me when I say i am not a sheith stan please don't think I'm a sheith stan thank youthis is me very heavily projecting my recent break up onto these characters because i haven't gotten over it and it will be a while before I do
Relationships: Keith/Lance/Shiro (Voltron)
Comments: 21
Kudos: 200





	1. i don't belong here

**Author's Note:**

> this is very depressing, there is a panic attack (or two?) in here and stuff  
> no abuse

"Hey, Keith, can you hand me a mug?" 

  
"Lance, it's right there. Stop being so fucking lazy," Keith bit, annoyed.

I stared in surprise, at Keith sitting on the kitchen counter, crowded lovingly by Shiro. I simply nodded and grabbed one myself, ignoring the poison in his tone, like I have been the last week. He didn't usually hit this hard when we were just existing. Although it looked that existing wasn't all the couple was getting to as time passed.

"Why don't you guys go to the room? I'll just bring breakfast up when it's done," I offered quietly.

  
Keith glanced at me, considering. It seemed more suspicious than thoughtful, but Keith hasn't really looked at me since Shiro got here, so I don't put too much thought into it. "Okay, sounds good," he says, dragging Shiro out of the kitchen and up the stairs. Shiro throws a concerned glance my way before following Keith.

I take a deep breath when I hear the bedroom door shut. And then another. And another. Suddenly I realize these breaths I'm taking aren't as deep as I thought they were, and I'm struggling to breathe. I try my best to practice breathing techniques Keith taught me, catch my breath, think about something else, STOP PANICKING. But at the thought of Keith my heart aches and air is sucked from my lungs completely.

I'm breathing and gasping and at some point I fall to the floor. I press my back against the cabinets, desperately trying to ground myself, trying to breathe. Hot tears stream from my eyes, and I can feel my facial features contort in pain, pain that I feel every night as I curl up in a ball in our shared bed and cry myself to sleep. I long for touch still, for Keith to come and comfort me like he used to. To rub my back and help bring me back. I long for even Shiro, who barely acknowledges my existence, might be able to bring comfort, and can at least bring me back.

I sob and heave, and know that deep ache in my heart is a realization. And an acceptance that I can't ignore.


	2. a waiting game

It's hours (minutes maybe? I can't tell anymore) before I deem myself calm enough to finish breakfast and face whatever's going on in that bedroom. I wash all the dishes before I bring them breakfast, in fear of Keith seeing the sink full of dishes and getting angry again.

Don't get me wrong, he wasn't always like this. I'm not... naive. He was kind, and patient, and he listened. He cared about me and didn't dismiss my every word. And Shiro isn't corrupting him, not at all, they're a very loving couple... just to... each other. And no matter how I look at it, Shiro's arrival didn't change anything, not at all. It only revealed what was apparent and made it clear- obvious for me to see. I

'm not meant to be here. This is something I push to the back of my head, as far back as it can possibly go, as I gather our plates and head up the stairs. More scared than I thought I'd ever have to be. Before I even open the door I know they're busy.

Numbly, I place their plates on a nearby table and head to my 'quiet' corner, where I've placed a comfortable chair along with pillows and blankets, facing away from the bed.

"Do you want to join, Lance?" I hear just before I sit down. I consider it, for a moment. Would they be nicer to me, if I did? I don't really want to, not at all, but... would they treat me differently? Is it worth it? I ask myself the same set of questions, every time they ask. Even when I can tell, they're not really asking. They're perfectly content on their own, they don't need me to ruin it. I eventually shake my head, no, like I do. Every time they ask.

I sit down and put my earbuds in as soon as I can, blasting heavy metal. I'm not one to listen to metal too often, I just. Need something, anything to block out the sounds, block it out. I eat my breakfast, alone.

About thirty minutes later, I've finished my breakfast, and have taken to drawing while listening to music. I check the clock on my phone- shit, we have work in an hour. And the almost daily routine comes through again. Do I risk interrupting their activities, get Lance to go to work with me? We work together, and have the same schedule, but this week, getting Keith to work is near impossible. Since Shiro's arrived, he's missed three days, and if we want to be able to pay rent next month, he needs to start coming in regularly.

I take out my earbuds and approach the bed. "Keith?" I try not to look at what's happening for fear of breaking down in front of them.

Keith stops whatever he was doing, and, I'm assuming from the sudden silence, looks at me. "Yes? Did something happen?"

I shake my head. "No, I just figured I'd tell you it's 2 o'clock now? We have work at three today, and I don't want-"

"Ugh, okay, let me know when it's 2:30, I'll start getting ready then," he says, and goes back to his ministrations on Shiro.

"Um, okay. I'm going to shower, now, then," I respond, quietly picking up my uniform and heading to the bathroom. I get in the shower as soon as I can to escape the sounds coming from the bedroom.

I've never been able to listen or watch them do anything, even when we'd Skype Shiro. It's tiring to have to leave every time, especially when Keith gets upset with me. "He's your boyfriend, too," he'd say, disappointment dripping from his tone.

Keith is disappointed in me a lot. I don't talk enough, I talk too much. No matter what I do to fix it, I can't talk to Shiro very long before I say something wrong.

I think back to the realization I had earlier. The one I'd pushed down as far it'd go. What if I did... leave? It's not something I ever wanted to have to think about, not something I ever thought I'd need to think about. We're all supposed to be together. We're supposed to get _married_. 

Something stands out to me. Maybe... they'd be happier? If it were just the two of them. In fact, evidence states they would most certainly be much better off on their own. Before I know it, every negative thing Keith and Shiro have ever said to or about me comes rushing to my head,

_You're no different from your mother._

_Having sex with you is too much work._

_You're too sensitive._

_I always knew we were missing something._

_You don't think before you speak._

_Why can't you just be happy?_

Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I just get along with both of them and be content? Was I just a placeholder for Keith? Until Shiro shoved himself into our lives, taking up our time and... just being better. Than me.

I realize I'm taking a much longer shower than I meant to and turn off the faucet. The noise in the bedroom seems to be much louder and I rush to change and ready myself for the day. As soon as I'm done, I check the time to see it's 2:32.

"Keith? It's 2:30," I peak into the bedroom and there's no way to avoid it. Keith is bent over, Shiro behind him, fucking him with everything he's got. I swallow the bile rising in my throat, "Keith? We have to go to w-"

"I'll get ready when I'm done, Lance!" Keith growls, frustrated.

I shut my mouth, not wanting to irritate him more than I already have. I quickly grab my shoes, phone, and work bag and head downstairs. I sit at the bottom of the staircase, petting Blue and Red when they run up to me, until 3:04. I let out my own growl of frustration before pulling out my phone and dialing Keith's number. 

No answer. 

I send him a quick text, indicating that I'll bring the car around the front. 

I wait in the car in front of our house until 3:12, when our boss calls to see where the fuck we are. I call again. 

"What, Lance?"

"What do you mean, 'what', Keith, it's 3:15! We're supposed to be at work!" I shout, fed up with him and his disregard for either of our jobs for some dick.

"Wh- okay, I'll be out in a minute, just wait," he says, ending the call before I can get another word in.

It's 3:30, and two more phone calls from our boss before Keith finally walks out, with Shiro.

They both get in the back seat, Keith uniform askew. Without a word, I pull out of the spot and make our way to our workplace. I don't care why Shiro is coming with us and I don't think me talking is the greatest idea, not after I really thought about my position in our relationship in the shower. For now, I just have to get through the work day.


	3. fucking finally

Nothing seems to be going right, it seems. The work day goes as usual, me doing my job and Keith doing whatever he wants, in this case, flirting with Shiro the entirety of our shift. It's 2:30am before we've finished our closing responsibilities because Keith won't stop fucking around, which, in itself, is enough to make me overthink every aspect of my leaving our home, this relationship.

First, I looked at the technicalities. Where would I go? I left my mother's house, essentially run away, so I could be in a gay, polyamorous relationship, with people who were supposed to care for me. Maybe Hunk and his family would be willing to take me in? I did stay with him for the week before my flight. I'll have to text him when I get back to the house. How would I pay for my ticket? I only have the money from this pay period. And how would Keith pay rent? I suppose if Shiro started working with him, as we'd planned for him to anyways, they could make do, like Keith and I had. 

I can feel anxiety building in my stomach, the distress of just the total acceptance that I'm considering leaving, that the place where I was supposed to be, feel safe, this was supposed to be forever. But I know that staying here any longer would be unfair to me. Never mind them, I've been putting to much thought into what they want, into what's best for them. It's time that I do what's best for me.

The drive home is just as silent, Keith and Shiro in the backseat again. We get home, and I know they barely hear me shout, "I'll make us dinner really quick," as they head upstairs.

Do I tell them tonight? Tomorrow? It's almost 3am now, that sounds annoying. I figure it can wait until tomorrow. I quickly heat up some leftovers and head upstairs to find Shiro playing video games in Keith's lap. I set the plate down next them and sit on the opposite side of the bed. The labor from the work day seems to make its way through my body, thoroughly tiring me out as I finish dinner. By now, Shiro has paused his game and he and Keith are eating the dinner I set for them. Before I can stop myself, I stare longingly at them interact, watching them be the couple we were all supposed to be. Watching them be perfect.

I can feel my face contort its features, to something tired, unendingly sad, jealous. Before I know it, Keith is in front of me, gently cupping my face in his hands. 

"Lance," he says, in earnest, as if it hurts him to let my name leave his lips. "What's wrong?" 

I shake my head, but even then I know it's unavoidable. Warm tears are streaming down my cheeks, and there's no way I can deny that I'm hurting. As much as Keith has neglected me and forgotten about me, he still knows me too well. Too, too well.

"Lance," he says my name again, his voice stronger, he's not letting this go. "We know something's upsetting you, we just want to help. No matter how that needs to be done."

Shiro has taken his place next to Keith, concern growing in his eyes as he sets his hand on my knee, as if to show solidarity. 

"I think I need to... I need to leave."


	4. leaving is the easiest part

"You need to leave... what? Lance?" Keith says softly, ever so patient.

I take a deep breath, unsure of how they'll react, but certain how I will. I've already started shaking. "I... We need to break up. I can't... do this, anymore." I start sobbing, but I've begun this conversation, and I can't stop now. "I can't pretend I don't feel jealous every time I see you two, my _boyfriends_ together. It's... it's insane! I shouldn't have to feel so afraid to talk to people I'm supposed to trust with my life. I'm tired of trying to get closer to you, Shiro, and coming short because it's just me. I've been trying to make my part of everything work for the last few months- the last _year_. And it's just me.

"I need to feel safe and secure and I just don't here. When we're all together, it feels like Keith and Shiro, and then Lance, maybe, if the planets align correctly and we had chicken that day. I'm too fucking tired to fight on my own to make this work. And, honestly... I deserve better than this. I deserve to feel important."

The room was silent for a while, although neither Shiro nor Keith looked particularly sad or beat up about it, especially sitting next to me, sobbing and shaking and terrified.

It's Shiro who speaks first, "You're not wrong, Lance. We haven't been trying as hard as you have been, trying to make all of us work, and if you honestly believe that that's what's best for you, then we support you." Keith nods along, his features schooled easily into understanding and patience. As if... he's not bothered at all by this.

I look to Shiro, only to find the exact same expression on his face. Do they really... not care? Are they just saving feelings for later? To care? 

"So, what do you want to do? Do you want to stay here, go somewhere else?" That's just like Keith, to go straight to the specifics. But, I choose to leave my feelings behind it alone, I don't have the emotional capacity to do both.

I shove my tears and sobs down, to deal with later. "I was thinking I'd go live with Hunk again. I think... the sooner I leave the better. For you, and for me." Keith simply nods, as if he was totally expecting.

We spend the next hour drawing out as many specifics we can at 3am, and I let them thinking they're making me feel okay when they try and get me to laugh. I let them think I'll be okay. And, in the long run, I will be. But right now, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry my heart out. Eventually, we all get too tired to continue, and go to bed, leaving the rest for tomorrow.

Despite my feelings on how it's turning out, I was finally able to end the biggest problem, and know I can safely begin to grow again. 


	5. epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm getting tired of writing this, it's really personal to me but i don't want to give y'all a shit ending either, so this epilogue is the only thing i made up about this fic. enjoy some lance/self worth and self love, because he does deserve it <3

"Hey, Lance, can you grab those buns from the oven? I'm backed up over here," Hunk calls from the register.

I send him a winning grin, "You bet, Hunk!" I expertly bring the pastries out of the oven and onto their cooling racks, putting in the next batch and setting the timer before going back to my previous task. It's terribly busy, Saturday mornings, but it's a comforting thing. The chatter of people making calls or talking to one another, waiting for breakfast or their first coffee of the day. It's alive.

After moving out of Keith and Shiro's apartment, I went right back to living with Hunk, took up a job at his bakery, and started working on myself. I didn't realize that living there had... dulled me and my personality, it made every day look terrifying and impossible to conquer. Here, where I felt safe, I started going to school and therapy, for myself. 

I actually ended up in Psychology and Child Development, so I could help those in similar positions as I was. I've improved so much since then, learning to give myself a break, and be kind to me. Hunk helped a tremendous amount, I couldn't tell you how many times I cried on his shoulder, or ranted to him about the same thing on my bed, desperate to understand, to see. I learned my worth, and I don't let anybody take that away from me. I'm safe, and I'm happy.

"Lance, can you help me get these drinks made, please?"

And there's nothing more I could ask for.


End file.
